I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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