she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
