I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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