I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
