Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
