So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
