I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
