you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
