K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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