sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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