Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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