im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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