U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
