Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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