When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
