tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
