That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
