if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
