walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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