He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
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