Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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