mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
