I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
