Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
