she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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