if i can run in heels then i can drive
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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