First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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