I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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