No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
