Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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