God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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