don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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