and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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