What a fucking waste of an outfit
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
