You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
