i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
