life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Randomize
