Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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