Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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