hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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