I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
They have beer where we have blood.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
