Are we in a gay sports bar?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
