its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
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