I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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