Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
