I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I could make wine with my vomit
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
