i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
