Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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