The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
