Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
